围棋.我

Today was suppose to be a day of celebration for me. While I played 小林老师 this morning, I decided not to flinch and stare right straight into 小林老师's gun barrels. I chose to battle and challenge 小林老师 on his strongest part of game - 功夫棋, a marathon type of game essentially competing on players' 基本功 and 内力. I managed to hit the wire first and won by 1.5 points.



黑: 小林光一 (3586) 白: 夏衔誉 (phil1578) 6.5 komi 白+1.5目

黑13 = R13 白48 = S6 白74 = 84 黑77 = Q13


白118 = 170 黑123 = A

白188 = 194 黑191 = 248

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After the victory, I had a rush of emotions. I was very proud that I still have what I used to have - guts of a warrior to stare right into opponent's eyes and put myself through the test on opponent's strongest turf. My adrenaline still rushes in excitement when I face strong opponents. But the initial excitement quickly washed away, I became deeply reflective on the journey I had with weiqi.

Because of weiqi, I left my parents at age of seven and only allowed to visit my parents once a year. I often cried in streams of tears. In my sorrow and sadness, I found comfort and numbness by getting myself lost in the world of intersections and black & white seeds. I remember when I was in primary 1 I stole money from my god-mother's piggy bank. I used the money to buy a box of toy and gave it to a random student on the bus. I thought the gift will make him accept me and take me in as his friend. In my few months as a p1 student, I thought of many antics and did many many silly things; for example, used color markers to draw on my face during the nap period, to attract peers' attentions. I wishfully thought by doing those silly things they will accept me and be friend with me. My interactions with similar age kids were short-lived. Soon I dropped out of school as weiqi gradually took over the whole of my life.

I began training weiqi 10-12 hours a day everyday of the year. I started to have frequent dreams about weiqi and many sleepwalks with weiqi embedded in my subconsciousness. While other similar age kids grew up with their Gundam toys or toy soldiers, black and white seeds were my only companion and the only world that I know. Slowly I isolated myself further and further away from others and retracted deeper and deeper into myself. In my years of pursuit for weiqi pinnacle, I lost myself and lost too many precious people and things that are so dear to my heart. Because of weiqi training in China, I didn't get to talk to my father for the last time as he laid ill on the dying bed from terminal cancer. I rushed home overnight and only able to see his body laid cold before he was to be sealed into the coffin. Upon seeing me, my father cried. Streams of liquor poured out from his eyes. I was shocked and felt numb. I didn't know what to think or how to react because I don't understand this part of the world. My emotions had become so numb and so dulled from years of isolation and gruelling training. I really don't understand the complexity of people. I really can't act or express out my emotions like a normal person. Over years I had built a thick wall around me shielding myself from the rest of the world.

For so many years, I buried my unfathomable sadness and loneliness deep down inside of me as I pursue my dream of weiqi pinnacle. I dreamt of one day face my one and only childhood idol 小林光一老师 in 棋聖戦 七番棋挑战赛. I want to face 小林老师 in his prime and on the biggest stage. I want to stare straight right into his gun barrels. No flinching. Nothing but raw battles of life and death. I wanted to battle out my heart and soul and leave absolutely no regrets or doubts. That was the way I wanted it to be. That was my weiqi dream.

To be continue...